Thanks, guys. You have done a bang-up job of assuring a solid EIGHT YEARS of President Barack Obama!
Mitch McConnell: Thanks for openly telegraphing to an internet-aware nation where nothing is ever deleted or forgotten, that you are a complete fucking asshole and have no interest whatsoever in working for your nation's greater good. Your statement that your only purpose in the Senate was to unseat a just-elected President, jabbing a filthy thumb in half of America's eyes, led your party down the garden path to an historic and shocking defeat. Next time, you might remember ALL AMERICANS COUNT. Not just white, Right-wing Americans.
Karl Rove: You're either the most self-deluded moron in politics today, or the biggest con-artist. Either way, you also mislead your party down a disastrous course. During your Bush years, you made it a policy that no policy would be made that wasn't political. In other words, the only reason your Administration ever did anything was to score points, and you never ever bothered to work on behalf of the people who (s)elected your candidate and paid his salary. Congratulations, you've permanently fucked both your political career, and your obstructionist party. Good Jorb, eh?
Todd Akin, Richard Mourdock: Thanks, guys, for showing us what the Tea Party is really all about: angry old white men longing for the days that never were when men were real men, women were property, and negroes knew their place. Your firewall between the inside voice and the outside voice is so weak that you frequently forgot (as far as I can tell) that you were in the 21st century speaking to both men, and women, and also some of those people were not white, who are actually literate, and eligible to vote. You made it clear that your knuckles dragged on the ground and that you weren't about to act like a modern, civilized human being.
John Boehner: Thanks, John, for your pathetic leadership which easily allowed Obama to run right over your incompetent nitwit Congress and get most of what he wanted done anyway, without your help. Your inability to get your caucus to focus on what they campaigned on cost your party a near-certain recapture of the Senate, and of course, the Presidency.
Grover Norquist: Thanks for nothing, Grover. I still remember New Orleans and all the people your philosophy drowned in the "bathtub" of incompetent government by design. I do believe, however, that your pledge is going to be torn up in any sane republican's office right now, and if they've got a lick of sense left, the only thing they're going to be saying to you now is fuck off you weirdo.
Rush Limbaugh: Thanks for moving to Costa Rica, Rush. Oh, wait, that was just another idle threat? In that case, Fuck You, Rush Limbaugh. You're beneath me. You're beneath my contempt. Hell, even pond scum says you're beneath it.
Sheldon Adelson, David & Charles Koch, and The Rest of You Arrogant Plutocrats: Thanks, guys, for wasting your fucking money trying to buy an election. I hope your asses hurt today. I hope it burns you right up that you tried but failed to buy an election. And I hope you got the message: WE ARE AMERICA. NOT JUST YOU. ALL OF US. RESPECT DEMOCRACY.
Donald Trump and Dick Morris: Thank you guys for the most entertaining twitter streams of the election. Thank you Donald Trump, for being so fucking funny and stupid at the same time, and for ushering yourself off the US political stage with not a bang, but a sobbing infantile hissyfit. You've burned yourself a humiliating place in the history books, sir, as a monumentally arrogant child. And thanks, Dick Morris, for being wrong all the time because you're an arrogant douche. I loved watching the hours mount as your Twitter account suddenly went dead silent, when all of your lies and horseshit came crashing down around your ears. Thanks, guys. You are really funny, and I thoroughly enjoy mocking you. You've shown America how every man, truly, has feet of clay and none of us are actually above the rest.